Andy Rooney

The biggest seller is cook books and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve
just learned how to cook.
– Andy Rooney

Being liked is nice, but it’s not my intent.
– Andy Rooney

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while
you’re climbing it.
– Andy Rooney

I believe that if all the truth in the world was known the world would be a better place.
– Andy Rooney

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
– Andy Rooney

I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too
much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.
– Andy Rooney

Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
– Andy Rooney

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
– Andy Rooney

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect
in every respect, except that you can’t eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this
disease, often referred to as “progress”, doesn’t spread.
– Andy Rooney

Not many people in this world are as lucky as I’ve been. Although, if you do see me in a
restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.
– Andy Rooney

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to
do don’t need to be done.
– Andy Rooney

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
– Andy Rooney

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have
thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
– Andy Rooney

We’re all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don’t make any big ones.
– Andy Rooney

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn’t have any
religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.
– Andy Rooney

It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting
old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
– Andy Rooney

Don’t rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
– Andy Rooney

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
– Andy Rooney

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine?
“Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is share the love. Beep.” “Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your
test is back. Stop sharing the love.”
– Andy Rooney

There are idiots who will buy anything as long as it costs enough.
– Andy Rooney

We all ought to understand we’re on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn’t do kids any
harm for a few years but it isn’t smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to
come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.
– Andy Rooney

In spite of the old sayings to the contrary, the best presents come in large packages.
– Andy Rooney

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes – that’s what I’m here for.
– Andy Rooney

I don’t think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn’t
surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I
mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
– Andy Rooney

Not many people in this world are as lucky as I’ve been… All this time I’ve been paid to say
what is on my mind on television. You don’t get any luckier in life than that.
– Andy Rooney

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
– Andy Rooney

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the
first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
– Andy Rooney

I don’t differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from
those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that love, not time, heals all wounds.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that life is tough, but I’m tougher.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
– Andy Rooney

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a
90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
– Andy Rooney

I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.
– Andy Rooney

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.
More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and
read Shakespeare.
– Andy Rooney

Not everyone has a right to his own opinion. If he doesn’t know the facts, his opinion doesn’t
count.
– Andy Rooney

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already
believe.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that when you’re in love, it shows.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that just one person saying to me, “You’ve made my day,” makes my day.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings
in the world.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that being kind is more important than being right.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him
in some other way.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend
to act goofy with.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was
a child did wonders for me as an adult.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it
goes.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that money doesn’t buy class.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and
loved.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person
continue to hurt you.
– Andy Rooney

One question in my mind, which I hardly dare mention in public, is whether patriotism has,
overall, been a force for good or evil in the world. Patriotism is rampant in war and there are
some good things about it. Just as self-respect and pride bring out the best in an individual,
pride in family, pride in teammates, pride in hometown bring out the best in groups of people.
War brings out the kind of pride in country that encourages its citizens in the direction of
excellence and it encourages them to be ready to die for it. At no time do people work so
well together to achieve the same goal as they do in wartime. Maybe that’s enough to make
patriotism eligible to be considered a virtue. If only I could get out of my mind the most
patriotic people who ever lived, the Nazi Germans.
– Andy Rooney

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything
printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
– Andy Rooney

I recently bought this new laptop to use when I travel. Look at that. Fits right into my
briefcase. It weighs less than three pounds. I lose that much getting mad, waiting to get on
the plane through security at the airport.
– Andy Rooney

My idea of heaven would be to die and awaken in a place that has all my lost things.
– Andy Rooney

I’m always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.
– Andy Rooney

There’s nothing people like better than being asked an easy question. For some reason, we’re
flattered when a stranger asks us where maple Street is in our hometown and we can tell him.
– Andy Rooney

Obscenities – I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can’t think of what they want to
say and they’re frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren’t very smart –
want to be just one of the boys.
– Andy Rooney

The best thing that’s bad for you is butter.
– Andy Rooney

I don’t think of myself as a television personality. I’m a writer who reads what he’s written.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she
passed away.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he
may have to eat them.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist,
that you’re hooked for life.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and
growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
– Andy Rooney

I’ve learned… that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
– Andy Rooney

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
– Andy Rooney

If you wonder what anyone thinks of you, consider what you think of them.
– Andy Rooney