Henry Youngman

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he
saluted, he killed himself.
– Henry Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a
little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
– Henry Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
– Henry Youngman

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just
taken place.
– Henry Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
– Henry Youngman

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s
bosom, and the headache goes away.” The next day, the man says, “Did you do what I told
you to?” “Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”
– Henry Youngman

I had my credit card stolen, but I didn’t report it because whoever stole it is spending less
than my wife.
– Henry Youngman

I’ve just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.
– Henry Youngman

A bum asked me, “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked, “When’s payday?” He said, “I don’t know,
you’re the one who is working!”
– Henry Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
– Henry Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two
times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go
Fridays.
– Henry Youngman

Most women are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
– Henry Youngman

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
– Henry Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!”
– Henry Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henry Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
– Henry Youngman

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, “How do
you like it up here?” The priest says, “If it wasn’t for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I’d be
lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?” “Yes.” “Rosary, get the bishop a martini!”
– Henry Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The
drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
– Henry Youngman

I’m now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
– Henry Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
– Henry Youngman

A hooker stopped me on the street and told me “I’ll do anything for $50.” I said, “Paint my
house.”
– Henry Youngman

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash?
He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
– Henry Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
– Henry Youngman

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
– Henry Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
– Henry Youngman

A bum came up to me saying, “I haven’t eaten in two days!” I said, “You should force
yourself!”
– Henry Youngman

Another bum asked me, “Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?” I told him, “Coffee’s a
quarter!” The bum said, “Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!”
– Henry Youngman

Another bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes
the same!”
– Henry Youngman

The first part of our marriage was very happy. Then, on the way back from the ceremony…
– Henry Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
– Henry Youngman

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
– Henry Youngman

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” “No, jump in!”
– Henry Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los
Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last
week!”
– Henry Youngman

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
– Henry Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
– Henry Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put “page 2.”
– Henry Youngman

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. “Since when do you wear
pantyhose?” “Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!”
– Henry Youngman

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The
woman opens the door. “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”
– Henry Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
– Henry Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henry Youngman

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
– Henry Youngman

If I’m not in bed by eleven at night, I go home.
– Henry Youngman

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, “How many ahead of me?” “Five.” The man leaves. He
comes back the next day and asks, “How many ahead of me?” “Four.” The man leaves. He
comes back the next day and asks, “How many ahead of me?” “Six.” The man leaves, and the
barber says to another, “Follow that man!” The man comes back and says, “He goes to your
house!”
– Henry Youngman

Last night my wife said the weather outside was fit for neither man nor beast, so we both
stayed home.
– Henry Youngman

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
– Henry Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
– Henry Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, “Take some weight off, go to a health club.” The man
lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
– Henry Youngman

His motto is “Love Thy Neighbor”. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
– Henry Youngman

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a
tree!
– Henry Youngman

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
– Henry Youngman

Take my wife… please.
– Henry Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
– Henry Youngman

I was just in London – there is a 6 hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to
dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
– Henry Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
– Henry Youngman

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” She said, “Somewhere I
have never been!” I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
– Henry Youngman

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn’t work out.
– Henry Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet.
– Henry Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet
first!
– Henry Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
– Henry Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.
– Henry Youngman

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the
cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”
– Henry Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
– Henry Youngman

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again,
missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball
saying, “Let’s get up here before we get killed!”
– Henry Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
– Henry Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
– Henry Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
– Henry Youngman

A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise.
Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is
your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!”
– Henry Youngman

I’ve got two wonderful children – and two out of five isn’t too bad.
– Henry Youngman

“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”
– Henry Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another
six months.
– Henry Youngman

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the
way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car,
and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say,
“Here’s your husband!” The man’s wife says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”
– Henry Youngman

I’m a light eater. As soon as it’s light, I start eating.
– Henry Youngman

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It’s a little inconvenient, they’re in two separate
buildings!
– Henry Youngman

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, “Can I ask you two questions?” Lawyer says, “What’s the
second one?”
– Henry Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
– Henry Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
– Henry Youngman

I don’t mind when my horse is left at the post. I don’t mind when my horse comes up to me in
the stands and asks, “Which way do I go?” But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window
betting on another horse in the same race…
– Henry Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
– Henry Youngman

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
– Henry Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a
good living.”
– Henry Youngman

Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was
leaving the office”. Doctor: “Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.”
– Henry Youngman

I go to the Opera whether I need the sleep or not.
– Henry Youngman

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”
– Henry Youngman

I have hundreds of books, but no bookcase. Nobody would lend me a bookcase.
– Henry Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
– Henry Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
– Henry Youngman

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed – it was a Chinese
restaurant!
– Henry Youngman

Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?”
The doctor says, “The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner….”
– Henry Youngman

The patient says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” “Then don’t do that!”
– Henry Youngman

My horse’s jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says “Why are you
hitting me, there is nobody behind us!”
– Henry Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me
$10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
– Henry Youngman

“Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.” “Don’t answer!”
– Henry Youngman

I miss my wife’s cooking – as often as I can.
– Henry Youngman

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is
playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards
swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the
water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, “We saved your
grandson.” The little Jewish Grandma says, “He had a hat!”
– Henry Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
– Henry Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
– Henry Youngman

My wife has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, “There
are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So what did I do? Bought her an electric
chair.
– Henry Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
– Henry Youngman

Things could be much worse. I could be one of my creditors.
– Henry Youngman

The catch of the day was hepatitis.
– Henry Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, “How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?” “$50,000”
They called back, “How about $20,000?” I said, “I’ll pay it!”
– Henry Youngman

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
– Henry Youngman

The Tax Office has streamlined its tax form this year. It goes like this: (a) How much did you
make last year? (b) How much have you got left? (c) Send (b).
– Henry Youngman

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
– Henry Youngman

I was walking down the street, and I found a man’s hand in my pocket. I asked, “What do
you want?” “A match.” “Why didn’t you ask me?” “I don’t talk to strangers.”
– Henry Youngman

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
– Henry Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
– Henry Youngman

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? “I was ironing, and the phone
rang!” “What about the other ear?” “Had to call the doctor!”
– Henry Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping.
– Henry Youngman

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale’s. I bring her mail there twice a week.
– Henry Youngman

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the
season, the crowd was yelling, “We want Youngman! We want Youngman!” The coach says,
“Youngman – go see what they want!”
– Henry Youngman

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
– Henry Youngman

I missed my nap today. Slept right through it.
– Henry Youngman

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at
all.
– Henry Youngman

I’ve got all the money I need, if I die by four o’clock.
– Henry Youngman

Dancing on pointe… Why don’t they just get taller girls?
– Henry Youngman